My Meltdown, Kim Kardashian’s face, & living in a van down by the river.

I have an annoying habit of beating around the bush, so I’m not going to do that. I’ll just jump right into it. Last week, I had a complete and utter mental breakdown. I’m not talking about the kind of thing where you have a bad week and everything is going wrong. That was just the start of it. But oh no, this was Oscar worthy. The tears, the mascara running down my face, it was ugly. I know what you’re thinking. You are probably picturing that photo of Kim Kardashian crying in your head that we’ve all seen on the internet about a thousand times. And to be honest, yes. That’s exactly what I looked like, minus the fake eyelashes. It all started on a fateful Wednesday morning. Usually I can feel deep in my soul when I’m going to have an awful day. But maybe that was the problem, I didn’t. I woke up that day with something in my eye first of all. And I could not for the life of me get it out. That was my tell tale right from the start, and it all went down hill from there. Typically, I would just throw the towel in right from there and accept the fact that it was going to be a miserable day. But I didn’t and perhaps that was the issue. I kept fighting through it and smiling and trying to aggressively give this Wednesday the finger and say “I will have a  good day dammit!” And for a little while, I thought I was going to make it. But then, 4:00 came. There I was, sitting in one of my classes, still determined to turn this day around.  It was just me, my teacher, and one other student. As I sat there, I vaguely mentioned that I was thinking about getting away for awhile and going on a spiritual adventure. By the way, I have no fucking clue what a spiritual adventure is, and honestly neither does anyone else, it just sounds cool. My teacher asked what was going on, and that question did me in. My voice got all weird and crackly as I tried to hold back tears and then I crumpled. It was like that part in the wizard of oz when the witch is melting. Everything about me just shrank. My head in my hands, I just started to sob. At first I started to cry about how stressed out I was about my math class and how I had so much work to do and about how I still hadn’t memorized my lines for drama. And then I kept crying about all the other things I had to do, and then I cried because I was embarrassed about crying in front of people and christ, it was bad. When you start to cry because you’re mad you’re crying, you know you’ve hit utter rock bottom of pure shame. At one point, I remember briefly pausing for a moment before wailing, “I’m going to live in a van down by the river!” It’s one of those meltdowns in life where you feel the world is crashing down on top of you and nothing you do is going to make it better. Fyi, it did get better. And I’m not living in a van down by the river either so that’s always something to be happy about. I feel like having a panic attack like that, is the brain’s way of rebooting itself. It collapses for an hour and then it’s all good again. It’s like when my phone freezes so I just get impatient and shut it off for a little bit and then it’s fine. I should really consider being a doctor because I clearly know the anatomy of the body, it’s pretty simple. And if you’re looking to learn anything out of this, it’s to not fight life on having a bad day. If you’re having a shitty Tuesday, embrace that! The universe is deciding that for some reason and it’s a bad idea to try and stand up to it. I did that, and Wednesday basically punched me in the face in return. I said, “I’m going to have a great day!,” and the universe said “Fuck you and your positive attitude Haley!” I clearly paid for it. So just let yourself wallow in the horror of an awful day, you might even get a little humor out of it. And just let life do its thing.

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