100 Life Tips From Me to You

  • Take all the oddly shaped vitamins your mother suggests and don’t question her on it.
  • Floss. Don’t ever think you can get away with not doing it. Your dentist has been passive aggressively warning you every single visit for a reason. Fast forward about ten years into your gum disease filled future and pretty soon you’ll be, “that guy,” with the yellow teeth at the important board meeting whose swampy looking mouth everyone is whispering about. I know “that guy,” and trust me, you don’t want to be him. He has a very strained and disappointing relationship with his current dentist whom he avoids on a constant basis.
  • Love your siblings. I don’t care if they shot you in the tooth with an airsoft gun or told all their friends that you don’t wipe. Just love them.
  • Wash your face before you go to bed and put on lotion. If you don’t, then you’ll be that guy with the unflossed teeth AND scaly skin. What a dreadful double whammy.
  • Be sure to use a good knock knock job at an interview. You probably won’t get the job, but maybe you’ll get hired as a funny janitor or something.
  • Don’t ever trust someone with a personalized license plate.
  • Wear hideous eyeshadow in your preteen years. Because nothing really screams, “adolescence” like poorly crimped hair, bronzer, and jeans that don’t fit right. And you’ll enjoy looking back at photos of yourself and cringing. If you’re ever tempted to pick up a crimper again, you can look at those photos and be reminded of why you don’t do your hair like that anymore. I then advise you to set the crimper back down on the counter, unplug it, turn around, and run as fast as possible away from it. Similar to if you were dealing with a Ouija board.
  • Don’t pay attention to all those ignorant teenagers who blog and quote things about how “memories” are more important then sleep and how you won’t regret not going to bed for a week. You know what you will regret? Believing that garbage and looking awful the next day because you were up all night feeling inspired by the rebellious and “edgy” youth of the world. Here’s some advice; go to bed at eight when you can and thank me later. As far as the thank you goes, I prefer a handwritten letter, but I’ll accept a fruit basket too. But no, oranges please. When you grow up and realize that being able to go to sleep is as easy as returning the ring to Mordor, you’ll have a newfound appreciation.
  • Don’t do anything you don’t believe in. Unless it involves jellybeans, then by all means, go ahead and shove as many as you can in your mouth at once.
  • If you commit to wearing painful shoes, limit yourself to about two complaints per hour about how bad your feet hurt. But don’t ever give into the comfort of changing your shoes halfway through the day into something that doesn’t match your outfit. That image of you wearing Ugg boots with dress pants will last in people’s minds forever.
  • Don’t ever take criticism from any adult that has braces. If they’re mean to you, just respond with, “But you have braces.”
  • If you’re ever caught in the middle of a lie or a tense conversation with a teacher, gasp suddenly and wail, “I think I’m going to have diarrhea!” Run to the direction of any door or open field while limping and yelling, “I can’t control anything anymore!” This somewhat horrifying and unsanitary tip will never fail you. Based on previous experience, people rarely question diarrhea. However, I do not advise using this to get out of a funeral or an exam. Because when you come back, they still make you finish the exam, no matter how violent you claim your unpredictable bowels to be.
  • Always feed pigeons when you can.
  • Wear sunblock.
  • Drink a lot of tea.
  • Don’t wait to pee. Also, don’t wait to do anything to say anything you want to. But seriously, peeing is way more important. Do that first. Your future can wait, but your bladder can’t. If I ever run for president, that will be my campaign motto. Or I come out with a line of adult diapers.
  • Ride a laundry basket down the stairs more than once. I’m still thinking that one of these times I’ll make it to the bottom without the basket flipping.
  • Tell someone as many puns as you can until they tell you to stop.
  • If you’re stopped at a traffic light and make eye contact with someone while picking your nose, don’t look away in embarrassment. Politely wave, and then look for a Kleenex and hope you never see them again.
  • Don’t ever listen to someone who tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to attend homecoming or prom. Or really any school event that’s set up for an awkward time. The only “real” experience that you’ll be missing out on, is seeing your classmates look like slightly better versions of themselves for a couple hours.
  • Take pride in the little things in life. I used to walk extra slow to one of my classes, so that I could take pictures of the geese on the sidewalk and photoshop diplomas and graduation caps on them and caption it, “Grad Geese.” Again, the little things count. It doesn’t matter what it is, unless it’s killing someone. Or selling drugs. I would consider those the dangerously big things in life and I highly advise you not to do either one of them. But if you do, you’ll probably start counting the little things pretty quickly from your prison cell.
  • It’s perfectly okay to instill a little fear in people from time to time. That’s what people love the most about friendship anyway, right? Nothing says “Best Friends Forever” like a solid punch every now and again.
  • Say no like you really mean it. Every time it gets easier.     Example: “Haley, will you marry me?” NO. See? It’s just that simple.
  • Imagine the person you’re most afraid of. Now go do something about it. Whether it’s your boss, your priest, your mailman, or your neighbors snowman for all I care, confront them. Profanity is not recommended in the process, but I’m not completely ruling it out either.
  • Acrylic nails hurt. Acrylic nails are not a good idea. Acrylic nails will chip in about three days. Acrylic nails are not worth it. Acrylic nails are a torture device. Now when you’re standing in the nail salon, feeling tempted, just repeat that a couple times over in your head and don’t do it.
  • Refrain from laughing at people that have to wear hair nets in the food industry. Because when the roles are reversed one day, and you have to, you’ll be doing a lot of things and laughing will not be one of them.
  • Procrastinate. Pay the prices. Learn your lesson temporarily. Break the habit for awhile. Repeat.
  • Eat a lot of almonds.
  • Tis the season to wear your winter jacket. And maybe a snow suit. Being warm is cool. Being cold is not. You look dumb being the only person not wearing a coat and trying to act like you’re not freezing. We all know you are.
  • Give yourself a pep talk when needed. If that happens to be every day, that’s okay. It’s not idea, but it’s still okay.
  • Count your change that you get back. 9/10 times, you’ll get a cashier who was like me, who nearly failed every math class ever taken and probably outed you by about five dollars and is praying you don’t notice.
  • Don’t waste your time on anyone who slows you down. Keep your eye on the prize and maybe you’ll get a sticker or a balloon.
  • Go ahead and make your ringtone that obnoxious Hawaiian tune that you secretly really like and be proud. No longer will your calls be shamefully set to silent any longer. May your calls begin and it ring loudly for all to hear.
  • Compliment strangers.
  • Run away from your problems every now and again.
  • Eat unhealthy if you really want to. My Uncle Brian is one of the happiest people I know, and and he recently described his diet to me as, “If a ten year old boy was left alone at a birthday party with an unlimited supply of pop and ice cream.”
  • Try out at least three pick up lines on someone. If you get rejected, (which you probably will) then mumble that you were just kidding and pretend to be looking at something past their shoulder and run as quickly as possible away from them. Also, don’t look back. We both know that yes, that person is definitely laughing at you.
  • Own a goldfish. Having the most boring household pet in the world prepares you for what it’s like to have children. It will require patiences, feeling restless, and remembering to feed it.
  • End a relationship in a creative way. It makes it less painful for both of you, and maybe even a good conversation starter when you’re sitting next to someone in a waiting room.
  • Believe whole heartedly in leprechauns.
  • Double knot your shoes.
  • Listen to a lot of John Mayer. This will be good for days spend soul searching. And good luck to you, I sure hope you find that sneaky soul of yours.
  • Feel free to use “soul searching” as an excuse to get out of things.
  • Download a Dr. Phil soundboard and spend a day prank calling people and answering with, “This is Dr. Phil.” Get them to admit that they’re in denial about their problems.
  • Take pictures of sunsets.
  • Learn how to iron and sew a button.
  • Make sure your zipper is up. Or if you’re like me and find this to be way too daunting and difficult of a task, wear pants that don’t have zippers.
  • Go ice skating with your grandma.
  • Call your mom.
  • Call your dad.
  • Call your grandpa.
  • Call you’re aunt.
  • At the rate this is going, you might as well just Skype the whole family.
  • Make your bed like once a year.
  • Dress to impress yourself.
  • Admit out loud, quietly to liking Justin Bieber a little bit. It still counts if no one heard you.
  • Use your rearview mirror.
  • Wear glasses.
  • Don’t use, “I’m tired,” as an excuse to not get ready. Don’t punish the rest of the world by looking like a mess.
  • No one cares about how bad your day is going. Unless you can somehow make a joke about it, save your sob story for your mom. (Who also probably doesn’t care.)
  • Read a lot of books.
  • Drink a ton of water.
  • Don’t go tanning. It’s like smoking. Everyone knows that it kills you but continues to do it anyway. If you want to go ahead and join the majority of weak minded individuals who participate in dimwitted, self destructing behavior, then by my guest. I will be more than willing to compare the number of wrinkles on my face at age 40.
  • Learn how to successfully deal with difficult people.
  • Lock your doors at night.
  • Be nice to the secretary.
  • Know how to take a joke.
  • Cry and then get over it and eat some Kit Kats.
  • Confidence will ALWAYS be your key to success. Unless you literally wrote success on your house key, which is actually pretty funny and I’m probably going to go do that.
  • Don’t follow your heart. Follow your compass.
  • Be uncomfortably passionate about at least one historical figure.
  • Know the difference between your and you’re. Also their, they’re, and there.
  • Look someone in the eye when you’re talking to them.
  • Don’t say maybe when you really want to just say no.
  • Hold doors open for people.
  • Use Chapstick and don’t share it.
  • Send thank you letters.
  • Nobody actually likes secret santa, so stop suggesting it.
  • Recognize the moment when it’s really, really, awesome.
  • Fly a kite.
  • Don’t sugarcoat the truth. Or break the news to someone gently. That defeats the whole purpose. Just say it.
  • Talking to someone like a five year old when they’re being really rude or hostile, usually works.
  • Don’t let stupid things that happened in the past, have power over your present mind or well being. But I 100% encourage cynicism, it makes for a great sense of humor.
  • Marry someone’s who is funny.
  • Be really, really brave.
  • Eat bananas.
  • Tell people that their baby is, “so cute.”
  • Go outside.
  • Be kind to animals and don’t take your pets for granted.
  • Jump up and down when you’re really excited.
  • Know how to swim.
  • Run a marathon.
  • Be friends with people who have trampolines.
  • Smile like you mean it.
  • Don’t use permanent marker while angry.
  • Say you’re sorry when it really was your fault that the snake got out of the cage. Or just in general.
  • Believe in the underdog.
  • Follow these tips.
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