100 Life Tips From Me to You

  • Take all the oddly shaped vitamins your mother suggests and don’t question her on it.
  • Floss. Don’t ever think you can get away with not doing it. Your dentist has been passive aggressively warning you every single visit for a reason. Fast forward about ten years into your gum disease filled future and pretty soon you’ll be, “that guy,” with the yellow teeth at the important board meeting whose swampy looking mouth everyone is whispering about. I know “that guy,” and trust me, you don’t want to be him. He has a very strained and disappointing relationship with his current dentist whom he avoids on a constant basis.
  • Love your siblings. I don’t care if they shot you in the tooth with an airsoft gun or told all their friends that you don’t wipe. Just love them.
  • Wash your face before you go to bed and put on lotion. If you don’t, then you’ll be that guy with the unflossed teeth AND scaly skin. What a dreadful double whammy.
  • Be sure to use a good knock knock job at an interview. You probably won’t get the job, but maybe you’ll get hired as a funny janitor or something.
  • Don’t ever trust someone with a personalized license plate.
  • Wear hideous eyeshadow in your preteen years. Because nothing really screams, “adolescence” like poorly crimped hair, bronzer, and jeans that don’t fit right. And you’ll enjoy looking back at photos of yourself and cringing. If you’re ever tempted to pick up a crimper again, you can look at those photos and be reminded of why you don’t do your hair like that anymore. I then advise you to set the crimper back down on the counter, unplug it, turn around, and run as fast as possible away from it. Similar to if you were dealing with a Ouija board.
  • Don’t pay attention to all those ignorant teenagers who blog and quote things about how “memories” are more important then sleep and how you won’t regret not going to bed for a week. You know what you will regret? Believing that garbage and looking awful the next day because you were up all night feeling inspired by the rebellious and “edgy” youth of the world. Here’s some advice; go to bed at eight when you can and thank me later. As far as the thank you goes, I prefer a handwritten letter, but I’ll accept a fruit basket too. But no, oranges please. When you grow up and realize that being able to go to sleep is as easy as returning the ring to Mordor, you’ll have a newfound appreciation.
  • Don’t do anything you don’t believe in. Unless it involves jellybeans, then by all means, go ahead and shove as many as you can in your mouth at once.
  • If you commit to wearing painful shoes, limit yourself to about two complaints per hour about how bad your feet hurt. But don’t ever give into the comfort of changing your shoes halfway through the day into something that doesn’t match your outfit. That image of you wearing Ugg boots with dress pants will last in people’s minds forever.
  • Don’t ever take criticism from any adult that has braces. If they’re mean to you, just respond with, “But you have braces.”
  • If you’re ever caught in the middle of a lie or a tense conversation with a teacher, gasp suddenly and wail, “I think I’m going to have diarrhea!” Run to the direction of any door or open field while limping and yelling, “I can’t control anything anymore!” This somewhat horrifying and unsanitary tip will never fail you. Based on previous experience, people rarely question diarrhea. However, I do not advise using this to get out of a funeral or an exam. Because when you come back, they still make you finish the exam, no matter how violent you claim your unpredictable bowels to be.
  • Always feed pigeons when you can.
  • Wear sunblock.
  • Drink a lot of tea.
  • Don’t wait to pee. Also, don’t wait to do anything to say anything you want to. But seriously, peeing is way more important. Do that first. Your future can wait, but your bladder can’t. If I ever run for president, that will be my campaign motto. Or I come out with a line of adult diapers.
  • Ride a laundry basket down the stairs more than once. I’m still thinking that one of these times I’ll make it to the bottom without the basket flipping.
  • Tell someone as many puns as you can until they tell you to stop.
  • If you’re stopped at a traffic light and make eye contact with someone while picking your nose, don’t look away in embarrassment. Politely wave, and then look for a Kleenex and hope you never see them again.
  • Don’t ever listen to someone who tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to attend homecoming or prom. Or really any school event that’s set up for an awkward time. The only “real” experience that you’ll be missing out on, is seeing your classmates look like slightly better versions of themselves for a couple hours.
  • Take pride in the little things in life. I used to walk extra slow to one of my classes, so that I could take pictures of the geese on the sidewalk and photoshop diplomas and graduation caps on them and caption it, “Grad Geese.” Again, the little things count. It doesn’t matter what it is, unless it’s killing someone. Or selling drugs. I would consider those the dangerously big things in life and I highly advise you not to do either one of them. But if you do, you’ll probably start counting the little things pretty quickly from your prison cell.
  • It’s perfectly okay to instill a little fear in people from time to time. That’s what people love the most about friendship anyway, right? Nothing says “Best Friends Forever” like a solid punch every now and again.
  • Say no like you really mean it. Every time it gets easier.     Example: “Haley, will you marry me?” NO. See? It’s just that simple.
  • Imagine the person you’re most afraid of. Now go do something about it. Whether it’s your boss, your priest, your mailman, or your neighbors snowman for all I care, confront them. Profanity is not recommended in the process, but I’m not completely ruling it out either.
  • Acrylic nails hurt. Acrylic nails are not a good idea. Acrylic nails will chip in about three days. Acrylic nails are not worth it. Acrylic nails are a torture device. Now when you’re standing in the nail salon, feeling tempted, just repeat that a couple times over in your head and don’t do it.
  • Refrain from laughing at people that have to wear hair nets in the food industry. Because when the roles are reversed one day, and you have to, you’ll be doing a lot of things and laughing will not be one of them.
  • Procrastinate. Pay the prices. Learn your lesson temporarily. Break the habit for awhile. Repeat.
  • Eat a lot of almonds.
  • Tis the season to wear your winter jacket. And maybe a snow suit. Being warm is cool. Being cold is not. You look dumb being the only person not wearing a coat and trying to act like you’re not freezing. We all know you are.
  • Give yourself a pep talk when needed. If that happens to be every day, that’s okay. It’s not idea, but it’s still okay.
  • Count your change that you get back. 9/10 times, you’ll get a cashier who was like me, who nearly failed every math class ever taken and probably outed you by about five dollars and is praying you don’t notice.
  • Don’t waste your time on anyone who slows you down. Keep your eye on the prize and maybe you’ll get a sticker or a balloon.
  • Go ahead and make your ringtone that obnoxious Hawaiian tune that you secretly really like and be proud. No longer will your calls be shamefully set to silent any longer. May your calls begin and it ring loudly for all to hear.
  • Compliment strangers.
  • Run away from your problems every now and again.
  • Eat unhealthy if you really want to. My Uncle Brian is one of the happiest people I know, and and he recently described his diet to me as, “If a ten year old boy was left alone at a birthday party with an unlimited supply of pop and ice cream.”
  • Try out at least three pick up lines on someone. If you get rejected, (which you probably will) then mumble that you were just kidding and pretend to be looking at something past their shoulder and run as quickly as possible away from them. Also, don’t look back. We both know that yes, that person is definitely laughing at you.
  • Own a goldfish. Having the most boring household pet in the world prepares you for what it’s like to have children. It will require patiences, feeling restless, and remembering to feed it.
  • End a relationship in a creative way. It makes it less painful for both of you, and maybe even a good conversation starter when you’re sitting next to someone in a waiting room.
  • Believe whole heartedly in leprechauns.
  • Double knot your shoes.
  • Listen to a lot of John Mayer. This will be good for days spend soul searching. And good luck to you, I sure hope you find that sneaky soul of yours.
  • Feel free to use “soul searching” as an excuse to get out of things.
  • Download a Dr. Phil soundboard and spend a day prank calling people and answering with, “This is Dr. Phil.” Get them to admit that they’re in denial about their problems.
  • Take pictures of sunsets.
  • Learn how to iron and sew a button.
  • Make sure your zipper is up. Or if you’re like me and find this to be way too daunting and difficult of a task, wear pants that don’t have zippers.
  • Go ice skating with your grandma.
  • Call your mom.
  • Call your dad.
  • Call your grandpa.
  • Call you’re aunt.
  • At the rate this is going, you might as well just Skype the whole family.
  • Make your bed like once a year.
  • Dress to impress yourself.
  • Admit out loud, quietly to liking Justin Bieber a little bit. It still counts if no one heard you.
  • Use your rearview mirror.
  • Wear glasses.
  • Don’t use, “I’m tired,” as an excuse to not get ready. Don’t punish the rest of the world by looking like a mess.
  • No one cares about how bad your day is going. Unless you can somehow make a joke about it, save your sob story for your mom. (Who also probably doesn’t care.)
  • Read a lot of books.
  • Drink a ton of water.
  • Don’t go tanning. It’s like smoking. Everyone knows that it kills you but continues to do it anyway. If you want to go ahead and join the majority of weak minded individuals who participate in dimwitted, self destructing behavior, then by my guest. I will be more than willing to compare the number of wrinkles on my face at age 40.
  • Learn how to successfully deal with difficult people.
  • Lock your doors at night.
  • Be nice to the secretary.
  • Know how to take a joke.
  • Cry and then get over it and eat some Kit Kats.
  • Confidence will ALWAYS be your key to success. Unless you literally wrote success on your house key, which is actually pretty funny and I’m probably going to go do that.
  • Don’t follow your heart. Follow your compass.
  • Be uncomfortably passionate about at least one historical figure.
  • Know the difference between your and you’re. Also their, they’re, and there.
  • Look someone in the eye when you’re talking to them.
  • Don’t say maybe when you really want to just say no.
  • Hold doors open for people.
  • Use Chapstick and don’t share it.
  • Send thank you letters.
  • Nobody actually likes secret santa, so stop suggesting it.
  • Recognize the moment when it’s really, really, awesome.
  • Fly a kite.
  • Don’t sugarcoat the truth. Or break the news to someone gently. That defeats the whole purpose. Just say it.
  • Talking to someone like a five year old when they’re being really rude or hostile, usually works.
  • Don’t let stupid things that happened in the past, have power over your present mind or well being. But I 100% encourage cynicism, it makes for a great sense of humor.
  • Marry someone’s who is funny.
  • Be really, really brave.
  • Eat bananas.
  • Tell people that their baby is, “so cute.”
  • Go outside.
  • Be kind to animals and don’t take your pets for granted.
  • Jump up and down when you’re really excited.
  • Know how to swim.
  • Run a marathon.
  • Be friends with people who have trampolines.
  • Smile like you mean it.
  • Don’t use permanent marker while angry.
  • Say you’re sorry when it really was your fault that the snake got out of the cage. Or just in general.
  • Believe in the underdog.
  • Follow these tips.

reasons to not date me

  • I don’t own any matching pajamas.
  • I don’t wash my hands as often as I should.
  • I can’t juggle.
  • I’m bad at math.
  • Sometimes, I run with scissors.
  • I don’t own a robe. Is that important to you? I hope not.
  • Sometimes, when no one’s looking, I blow my nose into my shirt.
  • I have a large collarbone.
  • My pants fall down a lot. Which is weird, because they’re really tight.
  • I’m stubborn.
  • I refuse to wear a belt.
  • I’m not Katy Perry.
  • I can only doggy paddle when I swim.
  • I don’t have a dog.
  • I look really really ugly in the morning.
  • Sometimes I talk in weird voices for no apparent reason.
  • I’m really messy.
  • I don’t think StepBrothers is that funny.
  • I have bad vision.
  • I can be unintentionally mean sometimes.
  • I can’t whistles.
  • I don’t think jokes about your mom are funny.
  • I don’t believe in horoscopes.
  • I don’t wash fruit before I eat it.
  • I never give back pencils I borrow.
  • I made this list in the first place.
  • My ankles always crack when I walk.
  • I like disco music.
  • I always leave wet towels on the floor after I take a shower.
  • When I get nervous or uncomfortable I make weird faces. It’s my default expression for times when I don’t know what to do or say. It’s like an awkward excuse for an icebreaker, but rather than making anyone feel more comfortable it probably just makes no one want to talk to me. Totally understandable.
  • I can’t focus that well.
  • At this very moment, there are about three banana peels sitting on my passenger seat that I never got around to throwing away. I mean, I can throw them out, but I probably won’t for at least another three days.
  • I procrastinate.
  • I can’t talk in a British accent, or any accent. I also can’t sing.

Reasons why you should date me

  • I put the perfect amount of butter on everything.
  • My house isn’t haunted. I’m about 85% sure about this.
  • I don’t have leprosy.
  • I won’t make you touch my feet or pretend to like them.
  • The word, “bae”, isn’t used in my vocabulary.
  • I know the difference between their, they’re, and there.
  • Sometimes, I’m funny.
  • I have a Star Wars encyclopedia. Depending on your perspective, this could either be a major pro or con for you.
  • I have wicked eyeliner.
  • I give an awesome motivational speech.
  • I floss.
  • Your dog will like me.
  • I can sew a button onto pants. Not very well, but I can still do it.
  • I don’t have any of those weird faces on any of the trees in my yard. I also don’t have any ceramic geese on my porch.
  • I don’t own any overalls. Or a rain slicker. I also avoid saying the word, “rain slicker,” out loud.
  • I’m great at thumb wars.
  • I’ve never been on “America’s Most Wanted.” Except like once, but that’s beside the point.
  • I have an entire cupboard of alphabetically organized tea.
  • I won’t complain if you want to watch the History Channel. I like that channel too.
  • I dressed up as Judge Judy for Halloween in fourth grade.
  • I had a kit called, “How to Teach your fish Soccer.” And no, it doesn’t work in case you’re wondering.
  • I’m not dorky.
  • That was a lie.
  • I don’t think baby monkeys are cute.
  • I have a book called, “How to Speak Chewbaccan.” It’s a Star Wars thing.
  • I tried to make my own lotion in sixth grade. I had a lot of spare time clearly.
  • I can help you with any word search puzzles.
  • I’ll lie and tell you your baby pictures are cute so you don’t feel about yourself.
  • If you wear the same shirt two days in a row by accident, I won’t point it out.
  • I’ll share my funny puns with you.
  •  I won’t stalk you on social media, or your exes.
  • I won’t let you go bankrupt in Monopoly.
  • I have killer survival skills.
  • I’ll laugh at your jokes that aren’t that funny in a group setting to spare you the humiliation.
  • I’ll care about your oral hygiene.
  • I’m not afraid of bees.
  • I won’t let you give up when you’re losing at cards.

My Meltdown, Kim Kardashian’s face, & living in a van down by the river.

I have an annoying habit of beating around the bush, so I’m not going to do that. I’ll just jump right into it. Last week, I had a complete and utter mental breakdown. I’m not talking about the kind of thing where you have a bad week and everything is going wrong. That was just the start of it. But oh no, this was Oscar worthy. The tears, the mascara running down my face, it was ugly. I know what you’re thinking. You are probably picturing that photo of Kim Kardashian crying in your head that we’ve all seen on the internet about a thousand times. And to be honest, yes. That’s exactly what I looked like, minus the fake eyelashes. It all started on a fateful Wednesday morning. Usually I can feel deep in my soul when I’m going to have an awful day. But maybe that was the problem, I didn’t. I woke up that day with something in my eye first of all. And I could not for the life of me get it out. That was my tell tale right from the start, and it all went down hill from there. Typically, I would just throw the towel in right from there and accept the fact that it was going to be a miserable day. But I didn’t and perhaps that was the issue. I kept fighting through it and smiling and trying to aggressively give this Wednesday the finger and say “I will have a  good day dammit!” And for a little while, I thought I was going to make it. But then, 4:00 came. There I was, sitting in one of my classes, still determined to turn this day around.  It was just me, my teacher, and one other student. As I sat there, I vaguely mentioned that I was thinking about getting away for awhile and going on a spiritual adventure. By the way, I have no fucking clue what a spiritual adventure is, and honestly neither does anyone else, it just sounds cool. My teacher asked what was going on, and that question did me in. My voice got all weird and crackly as I tried to hold back tears and then I crumpled. It was like that part in the wizard of oz when the witch is melting. Everything about me just shrank. My head in my hands, I just started to sob. At first I started to cry about how stressed out I was about my math class and how I had so much work to do and about how I still hadn’t memorized my lines for drama. And then I kept crying about all the other things I had to do, and then I cried because I was embarrassed about crying in front of people and christ, it was bad. When you start to cry because you’re mad you’re crying, you know you’ve hit utter rock bottom of pure shame. At one point, I remember briefly pausing for a moment before wailing, “I’m going to live in a van down by the river!” It’s one of those meltdowns in life where you feel the world is crashing down on top of you and nothing you do is going to make it better. Fyi, it did get better. And I’m not living in a van down by the river either so that’s always something to be happy about. I feel like having a panic attack like that, is the brain’s way of rebooting itself. It collapses for an hour and then it’s all good again. It’s like when my phone freezes so I just get impatient and shut it off for a little bit and then it’s fine. I should really consider being a doctor because I clearly know the anatomy of the body, it’s pretty simple. And if you’re looking to learn anything out of this, it’s to not fight life on having a bad day. If you’re having a shitty Tuesday, embrace that! The universe is deciding that for some reason and it’s a bad idea to try and stand up to it. I did that, and Wednesday basically punched me in the face in return. I said, “I’m going to have a great day!,” and the universe said “Fuck you and your positive attitude Haley!” I clearly paid for it. So just let yourself wallow in the horror of an awful day, you might even get a little humor out of it. And just let life do its thing.

10 Tips For Flirting When You Don’t Feel So Confident

Thought Catalog

0) The most important aspect of flirting is having confidence. Otherwise, what’s the point? YOU ARE SO THE SHIT THO. And nobody likes a mousy, timid person who is too afraid to look at people in the eyes. As a not-so-super confident person myself I know it’s way easier to tell people to have confidence than it is to actually be confident. But you have to believe in your own uniqueness. There’s stuff about you that is so awesome and you should be THRILLED to share it with people you’re interested in. Go in!

1) Put a paper bag on your head and write “I will give u a BJ” on the front. Could be funny!

2) Never underestimate the power of an amazing outfit. Your personal style really brings out your personal story, your you. We always feel so great when we pop out of the shower…

View original post 739 more words

15 Struggles People Who Bottle Up Their Feelings Understand

Thought Catalog

Community: Season 3Community: Season 3

1. It may be exhausting but you can put on Oscar worthy acting performances for days, weeks or even months at a time, pretending to be okay with people and things that are actually stressing you out & driving you crazy. You’re basically a super dedicated, unpaid method actor.

2. Giving attitude here and there is a survival mechanism you use to avoid exploding. It’s a way of slightly sedating a potential blow up temporarily. Think of it like slowly unscrewing the cap of a soda so the carbonation doesn’t cause a massive, fizzy mess and overflow out of the bottle.

3. Thinking that your feelings are foreign to everyone else. When you see yourself as somewhat of a Martian, it’s easy to refrain from expressing what’s inside because you’re fairly certain nobody wouldn’t understand anyway.

4. In modern dating there are a lot of games being…

View original post 642 more words

Things I’m Afraid of.

  1. Flying Grasshoppers
  2. Asian people at nail salons
  3. Monkeys
  4. Failure
  5. Love handles
  6. The measles
  7. Elevators
  8. Construction workers. (Based on experience.) I was driving through a detour one time and got confused and started to go the wrong way and they all started waving their arms at me and yelling. Terrifying.
  9. Waking up one day and not being able to be funny again.
  10. Large rodents
  11. Getting old
  12. Having to wear mom jeans at any point in my life
  13. Fortune tellers
  14. Cavities
  15. Marrying someone and then realizing they’re not the right person. Or waking up one day and falling out of love with them, or them with me.
  16. Cranes with big beaks.
  17. Feeling inferior
  18. Being a bad parent.
  19. Falling into a volcano