Things I wish I could do.

1. Eat a block of cheese. Or two. (I’m lactose intolerant.) Which basically means I can no longer eat anything that actually tastes good.

2. Juggle.

3. Braid hair.

4. Do math.

5. Be fergalicious. What does that entail anyway?

5. Know what being “fergalicious” is.

6. Tell everyone I’m soul searching for a day and disappear, but secretly just go to IHOP and eat a thousand pancakes.

7. Make Luke Skywalker my best friend.

8. Make Tom Hanks my best friend.

9. Lasso a sheep

10. Successfully pull off a magic trick.

11. Sit on the hood of someone’s car, overlooking some cheesy city skyline and talk about deep things.

12. Pull off wearing a hat.

13. Go in a hot air balloon.

14. Double dutch jump rope.

15. Sit in a room with a thousand puppies and play with them all day.

Things I’m really bad at. In case you were wondering.

  • Vacuuming
  • Playing with Babies.
  • Swimming.
  • Confrontation
  • Keeping track of my Chapstick.
  • Ping Pong.
  • Dancing
  • Hula Hooping. Is “hooping” even a real verb?
  • Arm wrestling
  • Folding laundry
  • Canoeing
  • Wearing jeans
  • Wrapping Presents.
  • Remembering birthdays in the first place
  • Focus
  • Opening heavy doors
  • Remembering to blow out candles
  • Giving compliments that don’t sound weird
  • Mirror Mazes
  • Tearing paper out of spiral notebooks
  • Fishing
  • Crafts
  • Most musical instruments
  • Letting people down easy. I prefer the tough love method. Where you just say “I don’t like you.”
  • Being sensitive.

Transition Glasses, Bruno Mars, & other things I wish would just go away.

1. Transition Glasses

2. Gel Deodorant

3. Chapsticks in the shape of eggs. How am I supposed to comfortably fit that in my pocket? And when you drop it, it bounces. And rolls. I learned that the hard way when it dropped out of my pocket in the middle of  a dead silent class, rolled all the way across the floor, and disappeared under a desk. At that point, I’m so embarrassed that I don’t even want to claim that stupid egg as my own. Plus, they don’t even work that good.

3. Bird baths. Why am I supposed to put something in my backyard to provide birds a place to bathe? That’s not my responsibility.

4. Bruno Mars. I recently found out that his real name was like Peter  Jean or something horrible like that and it just made me hate him more.

5. Clocks. Or maybe the concept of time in general. “Meet me at sundown” sounds so much cooler, and way less forceful. Plus, you’d never have to worry about being late ever again because “sundown” is so vague, it could literally mean anything. You can guarantee that both people will not be there at the same time.

6. Fannypacks.

7. The Easter Bunny. So damn creepy.

8. Bermuda shorts.

9 Puppets.

10. Considering “bowling” a sport.

11. Shell necklaces for men.

12. Jeans. Denim sucks, and it’s so restricting. You can’t jump, or stretch weird, and if they get wet it feels like the world is ending.

13. “The Notebook.” Writing a letter to someone every single day for a year isn’t romantic, it’s just stupid. Dragging their love affair out for decades was so unnecessary and dramatic. Man up, and just go find the girl and tell her to make up her damn mind. And if its taken you that long to decide whether you want to be with him or not, chances are he’s not the one. I guess when you’re a Nicholas Sparks character it’s different.

14. Pastel pants. Or shirts. Or vests. Okay, maybe just pastel colors in general.

(I decided to throw in a serious writing of mine, just to mix it up.)

All she wanted was a little bit of love. Or so she thought. As cliche as the young girl at seven knew it sounded, it was true. Her younger years were showered with love from her family, but it didn’t fill the void she was searching for. The girl grew up and sleepily stumbled from here to there into several misguided relationships. But they too, didn’t do a thing to help. Frustrated, she relentlessly continued to search for someone or even something it seemed, to satisfy the hollow hole of a rejected sense of affection that was so longed for by a sharply growing heart. Now getting much older and seeing that the meaningless interactions and relationships did nothing more than trouble and complicate everything, the young woman realized something after most recently, dodging yet another witless and rather dense man. It was a thought about herself. All her life, she’d been blindly wandering after a desire of security and contentment, that was indeed lying within her sorry heart all along. That night, the enlightened woman went to bed, no longer feeling so alone. And the next morning, the aching sense of loss that routinely embraced her like a weary and tattered quilt, was in fact, absent. On that day, she looked in the mirror with a nod of approval. If you become your own happiness, the rest just all falls into place.

Jack Nicholson, Chex Mix, & why winter turns me into a loser.

I’ve found that the weather affects my mood. I don’t know what it does, or even why exactly, but maybe it’s having to be indoors so much. I mean, once the weekend comes, I go from having high energy and being productive to hardly functioning. So I can’t blame the fact that it’s negative thirty outside, is it the effect of the long week? I mean, I haven’t even put on a real pair of pants since Thursday morning. Elastic waistbands, reruns of Sex & the City, and looking at hair styles on Pinterest is basically what my life has consisted of this weekend. But what really made me realize this, was last night. I was sitting on the couch, watching Burlesque and wishing I was Christina Aguilera, while eating Chex Mix. I know how great it sounds, just another Friday night getting “turned up.” Do I sound cool when I say that?  Anyway, I was eating the Chex Mix in the dark, and with every blinded bite I kept getting all the wheat chex and those weird brown chip things. After about ten minutes of not being able to see what I was getting, I came up with a solution. Rather than turning on the light like a normal, logical human being, I used the flashlight on my phone so that I could look into the bag and pick out all the pretzels and white chex. In that moment, I knew I should probably feel some sense of shame, but I didn’t. I don’t know which part is worse, that I didn’t get up and turn on the light, or that I was watching Burlesque on a friday night by myself. Oh well. But this isn’t my only moment of shame. The other day, I was steeping tea, (that’s a great way to start  out a story and sound like a loser by the way) and I had a paper towel over it. I sneezed and then used the same paper towel to blow my nose that I was steeping the tea with. I didn’t even care either. Am I even okay enough to function in society anymore? How did I turn into this person who uses flashlights to sort through their chex mix and sneezes into tea? It’s somewhat bothersome to me. The winter is affecting me like it did with Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.”And if you haven’t seen it, then watch it and you’ll understand.

Attics & Scotch

Sometimes, life sucks. Unless you’re Oprah, every single person in the world can relate to that sentence. And I lied, Oprah has bad days too. You can sense a bad day, just by the way your alarm goes off. Is it screaming in your ear? Or is it audible but still more or less just kindly reminding you that it’s time to get up? And when you do get up, are you motivated to be alive and living, or do you feel like God himself is punishing you for having to be awake at 5:15 in the morning? I myself have mixed emotions about the morning. Up until this point, I have always considered myself to be a morning person. It’s when I am most productive and in the best mood. Once the afternoon tends to hit, everything about me starts to go steadily downhill. Appearance included, I guess it depends on your opinion. It’s like clockwork. I am typically checked out of reality for about a full thirty minutes by the time it’s 3:00. In that half an hour, I need ample time to regenerate, and do all the things people need to do to “recharge.” What does that mean anyway? For some, that means sleeping in their car, doing weird stretches, drinking herbal tea, or watching videos of fat people falling off trampolines. I’m not one to judge, whatever helps you clear your mind for a little while is perfectly okay. Obviously, unless it means something super weird, like burning ants under a microscope or chasing small children with nets. In that case, you should probably use your thirty minutes of relaxation to go to the doctor. I would like to be able to say that I do something cool to unwind. Like playing the harp or reading ancient poetry. Or that I write haikus in the attic and drink scotch. Those things are all edgy and hip right? Other than the last sentence about the haikus. Writing poetry is acceptable, but preferably not in the attic. There has got to be a better room in the house, with more air circulation. But if that’s your thing than that’s cool. I don’t necessarily recommend going in the attic in general, you’re just asking for the plot of a horror movie to happen. You’ll start off just looking around and then you’ll trip on an old box or something and then you’ll feel obligated to open it and find creepy, old stained pictures from the 1700’s of a little girl and then before you know it, things start moving and you’re possessed. I apologize in advance for potentially spoiling the entire storyline of every single scary movie there is out there. But the point is, just don’t go in the attic. And it’s not like anyone ever goes up there because they’re “just looking.” People don’t crawl up in the tiniest, and most disgusting space in their house to just take a stroll. They have clearly got to be looking for something specific. I sense myself getting carried away at this point, so I will end my rant about attics and movies here.

Rejection, Khaki Pants, & my Mediocre advice.

Let’s be honest with eachother, unless you’ve found someone who’s truly awesome and not any of the things I have listed below, dating sucks. Not even dating necessarily, but people in general. Because let’s say someone does like you, and you don’t feel the same, you’re automatically in that awkward situation where you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but at the same time you want to CLEARLY get across that you’d like for them to go away, forever. And then they get mad because you don’t like them and you find yourself apologizing, even though it’s not your fault. I say, enough is enough. I’ve found myself in way too many situations where I’m suddenly the bad guy just because I don’t know find the creepy, stalker guy who “swears” to love me, dating material.  Is even  there a nice way to tell someone to fuck off? Not really, but isn’t that why they invented read receipts in the first place? That’s just a polite way to let that special someone know loud and clear that not only did you receive and read their “I love you” text, but you blatantly ignored it. Ahh, rejection is a beautiful thing. Since I am way more familiar with this subject than I’d like to even be, I figured I might as well share my insight so that the next time you’re out in the dating world, you could ask yourself some of these questions I’ve listed below. It might help you save your time and weed through all the idiots of the world, because wasting time on some guy who doesn’t even know who the Beatles are, is just stupid. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Questions to ask yourself in that awkward “getting to know you” Stage

1. Do they wear khakis a lot? I understand like once in awhile, but every day? I mean c’mon, how many pairs of khaki pants does someone need? Also, pay attention to the material of their pants in general. Do they wear corduroy or velvet? If you find the answer to be yes, run.

2. Have you ever watched them pick their nose, but when confronted about it, they lie? You want someone to admit to the deed, whether ashamed or proud. I’ll take either.

3. Does this person have a tribal tattoo, and no native american ancestry whatsoever?

4. Have they ever at any point in their life, dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume and waved a poster board advertising fast tax refunds?

 

5. Do they refer to their teacher as “teacher lady?”

6. Are they overly sensitive or defensive about everything?

7. Do they have a mohawk and think that managing a Jet’s pizza makes them hardcore?

8. When you look at their Instagram, do you see a filtered photo of white suburban guys, wearing hightop socks and snapbacks with a caption that says, “Going hard with my squad?”

9. Have they ever abandoned you in the basement of their church with their thousand year old relatives? Again, if the answer is yes, they are definitely not the one for you.

10. Have they ever suggested you change your sense of style? That’s your mom’s job to say insulting things like that, not the loser you’re dating.

11. Do they actually spell out the entire word in a text message, or do they abbreviate everything? And how much time are you actually saving by typing “tn” rather than “tonight?”

12. Does this person mix all their food together on their plate or neatly organize it?

13. Have they ever pushed you down the side of a snowy overpass?

14. Has this person ever told you that you “sort of have weird, ugly eyes?” If so, thank them for the touching compliment and then move on.

15. Do they wear their large phone on a belt clip and answer it on the first ring?

16. Is their “Tyrale?” And is that even a name? If you have to wonder, they’re probably not the one.

17. Do they like Bruno Mars? This is a very important question to ask yourself, and if the answer is yes, quietly excuse yourself from the situation, and never see them again.

18. Do they own any porcelain animals?

19. Is Bambi their favorite movie? I think baby deer are cute too but I’m not that much of a pussy. There’s a difference between being down to earth and sensitive and just being a straight up baby.

20. Are they scared of the dark? If so, I hope you can expect to be taking on the role of the man of the house for the time being.

21. Are they “that guy” at the party who takes one shot and claims to be “so fucked up?”

22. Do they call you out on a cheesy, horrible joke you just made in front of their friends? I mean, I know I love bluntness, but that’s just a dick move.

23. Have they ever looked at you so strangely that you’ve thought to yourself, “they look like they want to kill me?”

24. Are they old enough to be your grandpa’s grandpa?

25. Do they wear bedazzled jeans?

26. Are their hands softer than yours?

I’m leaving the rest up to you. I can only hope that the next time you’re sitting across from some weirdo that you maybe got set up with by your hopeful friends, or you think your coworker has potential, you’ll remember to take a look at this checklist. And remember, if he wears velvet pants, run!