Let’s be honest with eachother, unless you’ve found someone who’s truly awesome and not any of the things I have listed below, dating sucks. Not even dating necessarily, but people in general. Because let’s say someone does like you, and you don’t feel the same, you’re automatically in that awkward situation where you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but at the same time you want to CLEARLY get across that you’d like for them to go away, forever. And then they get mad because you don’t like them and you find yourself apologizing, even though it’s not your fault. I say, enough is enough. I’ve found myself in way too many situations where I’m suddenly the bad guy just because I don’t know find the creepy, stalker guy who “swears” to love me, dating material. Is even there a nice way to tell someone to fuck off? Not really, but isn’t that why they invented read receipts in the first place? That’s just a polite way to let that special someone know loud and clear that not only did you receive and read their “I love you” text, but you blatantly ignored it. Ahh, rejection is a beautiful thing. Since I am way more familiar with this subject than I’d like to even be, I figured I might as well share my insight so that the next time you’re out in the dating world, you could ask yourself some of these questions I’ve listed below. It might help you save your time and weed through all the idiots of the world, because wasting time on some guy who doesn’t even know who the Beatles are, is just stupid. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Questions to ask yourself in that awkward “getting to know you” Stage
1. Do they wear khakis a lot? I understand like once in awhile, but every day? I mean c’mon, how many pairs of khaki pants does someone need? Also, pay attention to the material of their pants in general. Do they wear corduroy or velvet? If you find the answer to be yes, run.
2. Have you ever watched them pick their nose, but when confronted about it, they lie? You want someone to admit to the deed, whether ashamed or proud. I’ll take either.
3. Does this person have a tribal tattoo, and no native american ancestry whatsoever?
4. Have they ever at any point in their life, dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume and waved a poster board advertising fast tax refunds?
5. Do they refer to their teacher as “teacher lady?”
6. Are they overly sensitive or defensive about everything?
7. Do they have a mohawk and think that managing a Jet’s pizza makes them hardcore?
8. When you look at their Instagram, do you see a filtered photo of white suburban guys, wearing hightop socks and snapbacks with a caption that says, “Going hard with my squad?”
9. Have they ever abandoned you in the basement of their church with their thousand year old relatives? Again, if the answer is yes, they are definitely not the one for you.
10. Have they ever suggested you change your sense of style? That’s your mom’s job to say insulting things like that, not the loser you’re dating.
11. Do they actually spell out the entire word in a text message, or do they abbreviate everything? And how much time are you actually saving by typing “tn” rather than “tonight?”
12. Does this person mix all their food together on their plate or neatly organize it?
13. Have they ever pushed you down the side of a snowy overpass?
14. Has this person ever told you that you “sort of have weird, ugly eyes?” If so, thank them for the touching compliment and then move on.
15. Do they wear their large phone on a belt clip and answer it on the first ring?
16. Is their “Tyrale?” And is that even a name? If you have to wonder, they’re probably not the one.
17. Do they like Bruno Mars? This is a very important question to ask yourself, and if the answer is yes, quietly excuse yourself from the situation, and never see them again.
18. Do they own any porcelain animals?
19. Is Bambi their favorite movie? I think baby deer are cute too but I’m not that much of a pussy. There’s a difference between being down to earth and sensitive and just being a straight up baby.
20. Are they scared of the dark? If so, I hope you can expect to be taking on the role of the man of the house for the time being.
21. Are they “that guy” at the party who takes one shot and claims to be “so fucked up?”
22. Do they call you out on a cheesy, horrible joke you just made in front of their friends? I mean, I know I love bluntness, but that’s just a dick move.
23. Have they ever looked at you so strangely that you’ve thought to yourself, “they look like they want to kill me?”
24. Are they old enough to be your grandpa’s grandpa?
25. Do they wear bedazzled jeans?
26. Are their hands softer than yours?
I’m leaving the rest up to you. I can only hope that the next time you’re sitting across from some weirdo that you maybe got set up with by your hopeful friends, or you think your coworker has potential, you’ll remember to take a look at this checklist. And remember, if he wears velvet pants, run!